Sunday, October 9, 2011

Like the Raven

Dear whoever can see this text,
I need help.

It started a week ago, I know. Why not go to a hospital? How can I?

September 23, 2011
It began. I woke up in a cold swet, the taste of adrenaline and sleep in my mouth. The taste was potent and relentless. I couldn't remember my dream, but it must have been some shit. I was crying. My face was red.

I breathed in and went to the bathroom. When I looked in the mirror, I noticed my eyes were darker. It wasn't just the iris, but the pupil and whites, too. They were a kind of grey...a silver, if you will. Yes. Silver.

September 24 - 26
I can't sleep. My eyes are engulfed in black - not white, no blue iris...just black. I'm alone and scared shitless. My body aches. I can't take it anymore. There are lacerations forming on my shoulders. They're deep. They smell of blood and rotting flesh. I'm in so much agony.

September 27
Kill me, please. I'm choking up blood. The stains cover my chest, covering my breasts. I can't wear a shirt or bra any more.The pain is too intense.

September 30
I passed out in a pool of blood. I can barely breathe. These things, they're like wings. They stick out of the cuts. They're like a raven's wings - black, big, and devilish. I'm going to die - if not by this, then by suicide.

HELP.

(This story is credited to a person called Midnight Agony.)

33 comments:

  1. This is really good. Certainly gave me chills. I kind of wish it had been dragged out longer and had more detail though, it's certainly a very good premise that could become absolutely amazing if it was fleshed out some more.

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  2. It's very good, but it feels unfinished. Hope there's a sequel!

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  3. I agree. Definitely needs more to it.

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  4. Thing you need to know.

    Don't start off with I need help, and then use journal entries. Makes it very unauthentic.

    As well, a journal entry shouldn't start of with "that's when it began." You have to stay in 1st person, don't go into 3rd omniscient.

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  5. This isn't a creepypasta, it's an emo kids story about bullshit.

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  6. Thank you for the nice reviews, this is my first writing. I might rewrite this and put it on my DA account. And to the last anon. Go to hell, this isn't about emos. I'm certaintly not emo, thank you very much!

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  7. LOL! Yeah go to hell Last Anon u_u Show'em how to do it Midnight ^_^ Very nice story. So... She transformed herself in a Dark Angel, a raven or something like that?

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  8. this sucked balls pretty bad, the worst part is theres people here who actually liked it, there was nothing creepy or even semi scary about this, hell it wouldve been scarier to put "To Be Continued.." at then end, then I wouldve been really scared this atrocity to the written language would go on, hopefully the writer dies from an infected hemorrhoid or something.

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  9. I agree, it was pretty shitty; and I don't know how you can say you're not emo with a name like "Midnight Agony."

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  10. God damn, this was garbage. 3rd grade grammar and spelling, and no direction or flow. This isn't even emo, its just bad writing in general. It reeks of trying too hard. It didn't even have promise from the beginning. It reminds me of Repercussions of Evil. Crap crap crap.

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  11. Meh, I don't really find the prospect of growing wings very frightening, even if it's growing wings in an uncomfortable fashion.

    It comes across as gothic, but more fantasy than horror. I'm not lying in bed at night awake in fear of getting wings.

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  12. Well, may not be scary but I liked it. It's cool even if not scary. About writing like a Journal Entry... Think about that people, she is telling what happened using a Journal Entry kind of writing, so u know when it happened and how long it took to happen '-'
    Anyways, Midnight, u're being emo or not, I liked it and Anon, the name don't implies that she is or not emo.

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  13. To be honest, I liked it. I'm not sure why some people are calling it crap. It's more interesting I'd love it to be:
    1. More expanded more story less diary
    2. Better on the grammar, spelling, 1st - 3rd person
    But interesting concept, keep at it.

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  14. SOMEONE CALL DR. HOUSE!!!!! He'll know what to do!

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  15. People, The name is an inside joke to me and my friends and overall random shit. Btw, I'm in 7th grade, so sorry if it's not the best writing in the world.
    Stop trolling and maybe give some critique instead of random insults.

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  16. I personally liked it, but I wish it was a little longer, and at the anons who were saying its shit, lets see you write something better..

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  17. ^ Challenge accepted!
    You don't have to know anything, just rate the writing.
    http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7454506/1/

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  18. i like it you just need to think more about it is she a raven is the author implying that this is how ravens are made? thank you midnight agony it was a good story dont listen to all the people that didnt like it

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  19. ^Thanks a bunch, I am thinking about writing a secong chapter-esqu thing. Good idea or not?

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  20. No offence, but this is a creepypasta blog, not your personal journal for dumb short stories. It wasnt creepy, nor gave me any feelings of fear, which is what I want after reading a creepypasta. It was an interesting concept and I think you should elaborate on it, but do so somewhere else please.

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  21. Adding "no offence" doesn't really do anything when you call one's stories dumb. I think that he/she should submit another story. If he/she takes the critique and uses it well, the story may be good.

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  22. yea midnight that would be great you could send me the story after if you want me to check it out before you submit it dot worry im not some stealing asshole

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  23. ^ I'm going to re- write ( I'm not going to send it to anyone though, sorry. The offer was very much appreciated though.) And the anon, it doesn't give any less offence.

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  24. thats fine as long as you keep writing stuff i'll be happy i really do enjoy your stuff

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  25. People, grow up. If you don't have anything nice to say about this, then actually have something to back up your horrid comments. Calling it crap or whatever doesn't make you look all that great to begin with. On top of that, it doesn't seem like a lot of negative comments are doing well in the grammar department.

    Personally, I like the concept but it does feel unfinished. It's not exactly creepy, but it does have that chimerical quality to it that a lot of creepypastas tend to have. It would probably be better if more detail was put into the story. Aside from the fact that the story feels unfinished and for the grammatical errors, it's a pretty good story. I suggest trying to do a rewrite in which it is more detailed and something more happens.

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  26. Very very good ^^ but it does seem unfinished. If you post it on DA throw me a link my user name is runepelt

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  27. There seems to have been a confusion in the tense in which you were writing it. I understand that the point is that it was a letter with dates recounting what happened, but it should have been in the past tense the whole time, and should not have been peppered (in intended pasta pun there, HURR) with pleas for help. The idea was good, but the execution was flawed. The story begins with a series of events that could have been scary or interesting had they occurred anywhere other than the first paragraph. As a result, you end up saying a lot of nothing that is of no particular interest to the reader. The brevity of it is what ensured that I read the whole thing. Had it been any longer, I would have stopped out of boredom. You should definitely revise this. Correct the spelling and grammar errors, to start with. Then work on expanding it. I usually don't like to tell people to make something longer as they usually end up straying from their original point and mucking up the plot and characters. However, the sheer lack of content here is what spelled doom for this pasta. Another think: Do away with the cheesy introduction. This isn't the kind of story that I can see as a letter. Rather, you should make this a complete diary/journal pasta, which you started to do with this post. Yet another point to be made is this: DEVELOP THE CHARACTER! I can't tell you how boring a pasta is to any kind of reader if they can't identify with any of the characters. We should be made to care about the fact that this girl is going through unimaginable pain that is interrupting her everyday life. Humanize her. You started to do this by saying things such as "I can't put on a bra." However, you ended up dropping any trains of thought which may have led to the reader liking the character.


    These are, I think, general common sense points to be made on your story. Now, for the one personal peeve I had.
    Why was our heroine contradicting herself when mentioning the colors of her irises? The explanation best fit to this pasta would be that the pain of growing wings was causing her sanity to fray, but with the way this pasta is written she ends up sounding slightly color blind. Fix this, please.


    So... Yeah. That's all I have to say on this. Solid idea, poor execution. Could use a rewrite to make it better. And I realize that you're only in 7th grade (13 years old, I'd imagine). That is however a poor excuse for not trying to write this again and make it spectacular. I am, by the way, 15 years old, so I know where you're coming from age wise. Good luck on your revision!

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  28. so like " I couldn't remember my dream, but it must have been some shit"

    ..it must have been some shit

    .......been some shit

    .......SOME SHIT

    who dreams of shit?

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  29. http://thefpl.us/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=116:episode-68-the-episode-is-coming-from-inside-your-house&catid=1:podcasts

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  31. How interesting! I don't know about all of you, but if it were me, I'd totally let myself become a Raven. All the pain would be worth it. Maybe if I was a Raven, people would leave me alone! Well worth it!

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