Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Day of the Barney

Mrs. Thompson kissed her two children, Jenny and Robby, and sat them before the television set. Their eyes widened and gleamed as the picture faded in, revealing the one who had become a dear and cherished friend over the last few months. The woman smiled at their captivated wonder and went to the kitchen to prepare dinner. As she readied the vegetables for stir-fry, she peered into the living room and watched the blubbery, purple dinosaur prance and roll about the screen.

"Silly fat reptile," she muttered, going back to her preparations. If Jenny and Robby were annoyed by her remark, they made no sign of it.

Instead, the two children listened and watched in rapped attention to Barney the Dinosaur, who was being broadcast live from the nation's capitol. The plaza was filled with thousands of wide-eyed youths who wriggled and squirmed for a closer look at the Purple One. Off to the wings, the green dinosaur known as Baby Bop giggled and preened, occasionally blowing a kiss to the children in the crowd.

Finally, following a light song and dance about sharing, Barney sauntered up to the podium and spoke. "Hello, all my friends out there! I'm so happy you could make it to my special concert. Have I told you lately how much I love you?"

Children worldwide simultaneously cried, "I love you too, Barney!" The Purple One gigled and, for a moment, appeared to blush. "Love is such a wonderful thing, especially the love you and I share for each other. I want you to know how much of a special friend every one of you are to me. Are you my friend, too?"

The response was thunderous, rising rom the kids in the plaza and across the living rooms scattered around the nation. "YES!!!"

"Well that's wonderful!" reeled Barney. "But do you know what, kids? I have something really, really sad to tell you." He sighed, letting his immense, dead eyes roll to the floor. "Not everyone is Barney's friend...some people don't even want you to be my friend.

Protests and cries began to rise collectively within the entranced mass. The Beast of Purple quieted them with a raise of his hand. He continued.

"There are people who don't want me to love you, who want to take you away from me. These people are very bad. They want to hurt your loving friend, Barney. Some of them may even be people who are very close to you. But do you know what?"

The audience of children silently, yet anxiously, awaited the answer. An unholy stillness had fallen upon the crowed. Many of the adults began to feel isolated, even targeted...unwelcome, maybe.

"None of them, not a single one, loves you as much as I do. I'm your only real friend in the world. I really love you, I do! These bad people don't, though. Some of them may be your neighbors. Some of them may be your teachers. Some of them, however..." The dinosaur paused. In the silence, a few cries of "Who, Barney?! Who?!" could be heard.

"...some of them may be your parents!"

Immediately, the children began yelling and crying, their teeth and fists clenched in rage. Security guards who had been trying to keep the children back behind the lines began to fidget uneasily as the sea of wide-eyed, growling, gurgling children began rising against them. Some guards broke from the line and ran down the street, screaming hysterically. Others tried to push the youngsters back but were pulled in by grasping, clawing hands.

The cries were horrible

One guard, as he was simultaneously crushed and pulled apart by the mindless horde, looked back upon the stage. The Purple One and his green sidekick were laughing and dancing demonically about the platform, which was now spattered with blood and torn clothing. The next moment, the world went dark and the guard was lost forever amidst the torrent of violence and unholy chanting.

I love you, you love me...let me have your family...with a quick stab or kick, we'll set the children free...don't you know you were meant for me...

Mrs. Thompson finished washing the vegetables and figured either Jenny or Robby could take out the trash. She walked into the living room, only to notice the children were gone and the TV was giving a dull, whining tone and a test pattern. "Jenny? Robby? Where are you?"

Perhaps they've gone outside, she thought. She returned to the kitchen and looked upon the counter. Her tinsel-steel paring and slicing knives were gone. She was sure they were there a moment ago. Then, a flash of steel slashed across her legs and another just above her waist. She heard a muffled giggle and caught a glimpse of purple and green out of the corner of her eye. The woman collapsed into a pile of her own entrails and blood, her life seeping into the tile. As the world faded to a lifeless gray, she heard a familiar tune sung by two familiar voices.

"I love you, you love me, let us join with Lord Barney...with a great big hug and a kiss from me to you...let's purge the world of adults, too..." Mrs. Thompson stopped breathing.

"He's NOT a silly, fat reptile!"

(The rest of this story is way too long to view on this website. Sorry! You'll have to view it here. I think you actually might want to read it. It's pretty epic. )


  1. That was fucking awesome.

  2. Goddamnit I shouldn't have played HL2 before reading this.
    I kept thinking of Barney from the game.

  3. An oldie but damn is it a goodie.

  4. It seems as though that there are stories of famous characters from great kid shows becoming demented, creepy, psycho maniacs who are trying to kill us or kill themselves