Sunday, December 12, 2010

Skin-so-tight

A woman who had been overweight all her life resolved one New Year's Eve that she would lose 100 pounds by the next New Year's Eve. Her friends thought that was too ambitious a goal, but the woman was determined. She checked herself into a weight-loss spa and began a six-month regimen of exercise and carefully prepared low-fat meals. By the end of the six months, she had lost 50 pounds. The woman was jubilant, but it was not enough. She had set 100 pounds as her goal.

She left the spa, returned to New York City and hired a chef to ensure that she ate properly and personal trainer to design an effective exercise program for her. In the remaining six months she succeeded in shedding another 50 pounds, but when she looked in the mirror, the woman was not pleased by what she saw. After being overweight for so many years, her skin was stretched and flabby. So she sought out the best plastic surgeon in New York.

"Tightening the skin to your new body is a simple procedure" the surgeon assured her. "You'll be pleased with the results."

After surgery the woman was indeed delighted by what she saw. Her skin clung to her new lean and firm body as if she had exercised all her life. But even thin people experience setbacks. The woman's boyfriend left her for a 20 year old underwear model. She made risky investments and lost a fortune, which forced her to sell her home in the Hamptons.

In her depression she turned to the one thing that always consoled her. Food. For several weeks it seemed that she did nothing but eat. The woman's skin stretched itself to the limit trying to accommodate the new weight, but the plastic surgery had left no place for those fresh deposits of fat to go. One night, as she was working on her third pint of Heath Bar Crunch ice cream, the woman exploded.

When she failed to appear at her office for several days, concerned friends went to her apartments. They convinced the building's doorman to open the apartment for them. They found the woman's ruptured body in the kitchen, where the walls and floor were spattered with bits of Heath Bar Crunch.

20 comments:

  1. Sorry, but that imagery at the end is just way too over-the-top; so much, in fact, that any pre-existing fear would be negated because the woman spontaneously combusted.

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  2. If the detail at the end was drawn out this could have been good... But the end made me giggle.

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  3. anne-marie, she didn't spontaneously combust. Spontaneously combusting means catching fire for no reason. She just ate so much she exploded.

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  4. That's even more stupid, though

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  5. Definitely nightmare retardant. But mmm, Heath bar crunch...

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  6. MMmmmmmmm **lick lick** yup. thats heath bar crunch

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  7. ...Now I'm hungry! lol

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  8. Dude....I have the book that is copy-pasted from.

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  9. So we can copy&paste from books now, eh? ;P I kid
    I agree with Clove, if the end wasn't so hilariously written, it would have been an epic story!

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  10. Silly pasta is silly.
    Lol'd so much at the end.

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  11. Spontaneously combusted, really?
    Making fun of the pasta.

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  12. THIS IS A DISGRACE

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  13. Hilarious pasta is fucking hilarious. KABOOM. I mean Jesus, man, I would bust a hernia laughing if I were a coroner on that case.

    And it's not spontaneous combustion, kids. Stay away from the big words until you've got the big brains to use them, yeah?

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  14. I was listening to the Rayman soundtrack when I went to this page, and right when the page appeared, the "YEAH!!" sound came up on the soundtrack.

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  15. Oh, great, now i'll spend the next weeks wondering what kind of noise an exploding person would make.

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  16. Weight gain doesn't work that way.

    Also, her husband was a DOUCHE.

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  17. it would be better is she didnt explode, but instead her skin started to tear until she pretty much fell apart or bled to death. Also it made it sound like she exploded from eating the crunch bars, if that was the case then it could happen by eating so much your stomach has reached its capacity limit, then her stomach would tear open and she'd bleed out from the inside. But i doubt she would explode.

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  18. Her skin would tear not explode (unless she eat insanely fast but even then she would need to eat around 2 gallons a minute which is humanly impossable).

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  19. I am fukin disappointed with u guys, i really am, not one monty python refrence? Not even ONE? For shame! Go back to school the lot of ya!

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  20. The Wafer Thin Mints get them every time ;)

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