Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Grape Jelly

"What the hell, you stupid fucks? Stop camping or I'll shove a scalding iron rod up your urethra!" I grabbed another handful of pizza rolls off my plate and tried to swallow them all at once. I gagged a little and some fell onto my shirt, but I could manage. I was particularly furious, having been spawn-killed in Call of Duty for the past fourty-five minues. I couldn't just leave - oh, no - leaving meant that those insipid cum guzzlers won.

I blurted some more profanity into my microphone and dabbed my forehead with a towel. Having wiped the pizza grease from my hand onto my Pokemon bed sheets, I nonchalantly reached into my boxer shorts and scratched my testicles. After a couple of minutes, I pulled my hand back out and slowly raised it up to my nose. I took a deep whiff and instantly realized something was wrong.

It smelled like spaghetti. What the hell? When was the last time I even had spaghetti? A chill ran down my spine. Thoughts ran through my head regarding diseases that caused your scrotum to smell like Italian food; I convinced myself I was being ridiculous and focused on my important game session.

Early the next morning, I was eating some Cap'n Crunch in my dining room downstairs. A few dishes from God knows when still lay on the table; they couldn't hold a candle to the shitstorm in the kitchen. I shifted a little and felt my chair squeak under me.

"Oh, Cap'n," I said while fluttering my eyes. "You'd never leave me, would you?" I stood up in order to reach the box to pour some more when my hand accidentally flipped over the bowl. The remaining milk splashed all over my legs.

"Fucking NIGGERS!" I balled my hands into chubby fists and punched Cap'n right in his smug little mouth. The box fell over and cereal spilled out onto the table like an eviscerated monkey's dinner. I calmed myself, pinching the bridge of my nose and sighing. I'd need some paper towels. I headed into the kitchen and sidestepped around some of the garbage bags. I reached the counter with little time to spare and grabbed the whole roll just to be safe.

After cleaning up my mess, I went into my room, took off my boxer shorts, and thre wthem into my hamper. I grabbed some underwear out of my drawer, but before I had the chance to put them on, I remembered my experience from last evening. I stared down at my crotch in silence for a couple of minutes before mustering up the courage to grab my balls. I handled them around a bit before disengaging and bringing my hand up to my face. I gasped and staggered backwards, falling onto my bed and probably splitting a crack in the frame.

There was no doubt about it. Salt and vinegar chips. I fucking despise salt and vinegar chips. I was at a loss for words. Suddenly, I didn't feel safe in my own apartment. The rest of the day I pretty much sat around in a trance, trying to comprehend the implications of this phenomenon and drolling a little. Night came soon enough, giving me a chance to rest my mind. I fell asleep quickly.

My eyes opened drowsily as I woke up. I had kicked my covers to the side while I was asleep. My alarm clock read 2:17 AM. Ugh, whatever. I propped myself up to grab my covers and screamed. At the edge of my bed sat the most putrid, disgusting creature I had ever seen (no, I was NOT looking in a mirror). Its beady eyes were sunken into its contorted mockery of a face, with patches of hair dotting its scalp. Mottled grey flesh was peeling all over its body, and in some places there were clusters of tumors with puss leaking out. But the worst thing was its mouth. Oh, God, its mouth. It had no lips, and its long, yellow, gnarled teeth jutted out at an unnatural angle, with enough space in-between for its barbed tongue to hang out.

I wanted to puke, or scream, or something, but I was in shock. I began to move my legs when I realized that something was wrong with my crotch. I didn't dare look down to find out what it was. It was then that I noticed the...thing was holding something. A fucking knife. Wait, no... Now that my eyes were adjusting to the dimness, I could see the shape was wrong. What was that...a goddamn butter knife?

The monster raised its other hand slowly, revealing a small jar rested on its palm. It made what I assumed was a smile before slowly gurgling out the words,

"Today...is.......grape...jelly."

I screamed until I passed out.

41 comments:

  1. What the hell was that?

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  2. Haha I laughed so hard!!!!

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  3. THAT ENTIRE THING WAS FREAKING HILARIOUS, didn't get the end tho, was the monster eating his balls? XP

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  4. I demand to know who wrote this so I can marry them!

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  5. I think what is going on is that his balls are eating foods thats why they smell weird.

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  6. Is the monster using his balls as some sort of plate? I'm not sure what is going on here ...

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  7. Wow, last two anons. It's so freaking obvious -_- The monster was putting grape jelly on his balls. Learn 2 Read.

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  8. He smeared food on his balls. It was probably the captin'.

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  9. I think the gremlin was handing out Costco samples on his nuts. lol

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  10. Oh god, aha my day just got a lot better.

    I needed a good laugh.

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  11. i wish I had a gremlin suck my balls every night...

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  12. I'm gonna summarize this for the tl;dr faggots out there. CoD, Balls smell like spaghetti, Beat the shit out of Cap'n crunch box, Balls smell like Salt and Vinegar, wake up in the middle of the night, some freaky-as-shit gremlin at the foot of his bed with a jar and butterknife, GRAPE JELLY ON HIS TESTICLES!

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  13. And then Beyonce crawled out from under the bed and started singing "I don't think you're ready for this jelly!!" lmao

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  14. So /b/ is allowed to write copy pasta now?

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  15. It ain't a sandwich though without nutter butter! lol

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  16. @trolol:

    Beat me to the punch. T_T

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  17. AHAHAHHAHAHAAHAAAAH

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  18. Fucking awesome.

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  19. Freakin awsome.. write some more plz

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  20. SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO glad I read this. Every time I get ready to leave to website, I am sooo gonna read one or two nighmare retardents so I can take a peaceful shower and get to school without feeling like...........OMFG!!! MIDNIGHT MAN! (That isn't what I just read that scared me, FYI)

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  21. A BLOOOOW JAAAAABBB!!!!

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  22. for the first half of the story, all i could think about was my boyfriend.
    LOLOL.

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    Replies
    1. For the last half of the story, all I could think about was myself.

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  23. Eatin' ain't cheatin', son!

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  24. GRAP JELLIE MUNSTOREJuly 26, 2011 at 11:33 AM

    "Dabbed my forehead with a towel", I guess spawn-camping is sweaty work.

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  25. Well that was disgusting and stupid. Gave me a good laugh.

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  26. *Looks at Peanut Butter & Grape Jelly Sandwich*

    ...

    FFFUUU-

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  27. It's called a bath, hygiene, and keeping your "place" clean, you filthy beggar of a basement dweller. No wonder you got spawn killed in such a droll game. XD The guy from "In the Walls" could do a better game, and he came up smelling clean.

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  28. Foul Bachelor Frog has started writing Creepypasta.

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  29. Only thing I got from this story was that sucking grape jelly off a dude's balls will give you tumors and f*Cik your teeth up!

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  30. A holy church, rings, a bouquet, a 3-floor wedding cake, lace wedding dress champagne, and the moving promise “ I do”, make up the happiest moment in one’s life. Then it is the wedding.
    lace wedding gowns
    A gorgeous wedding dress has been inside a girl’s dream since she was five years old. It is widely said that the bride is the most beautiful woman all over the world.
    Bridal gowns vary in different parts of the world. For example, cheap wedding dresses plus sizein traditional Chinese culture, the color red is regarded for centuries as the symbol of good luck; while in the Occident, wedding dresses 2012 a full-length white wedding dress is always associated with romance and sanctity. But, with the globalization, wedding dresses tend to be alike in the whole world.

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  31. A holy church, rings, a bouquet, a 3-floor wedding cake, lace wedding dress
    champagne, and the moving promise “ I do”, make up the happiest moment in one’s life. Then it is the wedding.
    lace wedding gowns
    A gorgeous wedding dress has been inside a girl’s dream since she was five years old. It is widely said that the bride is the most beautiful woman all over the world.
    Bridal gowns vary in different parts of the world. For example, cheap wedding dresses plus sizein traditional Chinese culture, the color red is regarded for centuries as the symbol of good luck; while in the Occident, wedding dresses 2012 a full-length white wedding dress is always associated with romance and sanctity. But, with the globalization, wedding dresses tend to be alike in the whole world.

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  32. I wish all these bridal gown trolls would stop spawning here! They must love creepy pastas.

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  33. Anyone else find it weird that they show up ON A CREPYPASTA SITE they should sell pasta then everyone would have a good laugh, eh? (I'M AMERICAN trollolololol).

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  34. The should sell curry chicken. They seem to like Indian food and culture blogs as well.

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  35. wouldn't the jelly make his nuts obviously sticky the next day?

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