B-Movie

Back in 2002, I worked at a video store over in Colorado. It was a mom-and-pop type thing attached to a gas station, but we were the only store for 50 miles that sold movies. We also bought VHS tapes and DVDs from people who wanted to get rid of them.

One day, a middle-aged man came into our store with about 500 video tapes he would unload on us for $100. His father, a retired General, had just died and his son didn't want the video tapes he had been willed. Even though the VHS format was dying, 500 tapes for $100 was a good deal.

The next day, he brought a van full of tapes to us. We paid him the money, in cash. He was a nice guy; he even helped us bring the boxes of tapes in. I was given the job of sorting through the tapes and throwing out the broken ones. I was supposed to watch them and determine which ones were marketable, too.

I began looking through the boxes and there was the usual fare. I saw seven copies of Jerry McGuire, two copies of Dracula, a rare director's cut of ET, and other Hollywood blockbusters. There were some old B-Movies, too, but half of them were broken.

By the third box, I saw a movie so campy and shitty looking that I couldn't resist popping it in. It was called "The MONSTER from Planet SPACE: IN the YEAR 2000!!!" That was the exact typography. I kid you not.

The description on the back said, "A delightful romp through one of the worst movies of all time! A must-own for classic B-Movie collectors!" I had never heard of the director, one "Marc-Antonio Gutterierez."

Jesus, it was shit. It was sort of like something by Ed Wood, but even worse (if you can even imagine that). The basic plot (if you can call it that) was a monster from "Planet Space" (seriously, they couldn't think of a better name for a planet than that?) was invating a psuedo-futuristic Earth.

The dialogue and acting was shit. I even saw one of the characters reading from a script. I was about to give up on it when something weird happened.

Midway through the movie, it went back. About two seconds later, grainy footage appeared on the screen; still, the quality was better than the main movie. I was intrigued.

It appeared to take place in some kind of brick room. There were torches and some kind of pentagram drawn on the floor. Standing around it were men in cloaks. Strangely, I could recognize several of them. One of them was a General I could only assume was the previous owner of this tape. The rest were extremely powerful people.

I saw Ronald Reagan (who was chanting in a low voice), Richard Nixon, a younger Bill Clinton, George Bush Senior, George Bush Junior, Jimmy Carter, Gerald Ford, John F. Kennedy, Margaret Thatcher, Mikhail Gorbachev, Nikita Kruschev, Leonid Brezhnev, and someone who strangely looked like Adolf Hitler. All of them were chanting in what sounded like Latin.

After about three minutes of this, two babies were brought in. They were both put on a stone table at the center of the circle. Ronald Reagan, at the head of the group, stepped forward and stabbed one of the crying infants.

He smeared some of the blood on the other child's forehead as the group chanted, "Contra-Christus, Contra-Christus," which is Latin for Anti-Christ. A cup of the baby's blood was passed around the group and each member took a sip.

After this, a dark figure appeared, seemingly out of nowhere. I felt a chill go down my spine. The figure stepped forward and blessed the Anti-Christ child. It then turned to where the camera was and looked directly at it.

It had an evil, demonic face. It was scarred and the eyes were just black holes. Looking at it, it was clear I was gazing into the eyes of Satan himself. The video jumped and the movie began playing again. Wherever this footage came from, someone had taped it into the movie.

I shut it off and told my boss. He viewed the footage and puked when he saw the child get slaughtered. He immediately shut it off, never seeing Satan. He put the tape in the store vault and I was given the rest of the day off.

The next day, several black-suited individuals appeared at the store and asked for the tape. We gave it to them and they put it in their own vault. We were told to never mention to the tape, to claim it never existed. They then put the vault into an armored Brinks truck and drove off.

Years later, I saw another copy of "The MONSTER from Planet SPACE: IN the YEAR 2000!!!" in another video store. I bought it and watched it, fearing for what would happen. There was no cult footage, no satanic ritual. It was just a shitty movie. The copy I had seen was unique and probably at the bottom of some government vault now. Still, I wish I had never seen what I did.